As I mentioned, one of the reasons why I stopped posting on this blog is because I did really lost who I was in my previous relationship.
When I met my ex, I swear it felt like a movie. I was completely infatuated by his good looks, swagger (did I really just use that word?), confidence, and charm. Seriously – he is drop dead gorgeous. The first time I met him, I was with a group of friends. He tried to get my phone number, but an ex of his was there and circling him like a hawk. I, not wanting to get involved with a guy with ex drama, did not give him my phone number. Seems real mature of me, right? I remember texting Clementine telling her how hot he was and how disappointed I was that he had ex drama.
Fast forward about 3 weeks to Halloween. He’s there again, and of course, we end up making out that night (and by making out all night, I really mean that I went home with him). It was all over from there – I was completely hooked. The sex was amazing, he was smart, tall, educated, funny, and drop-dead gorgeous. I had never fallen this hard for someone before and overlooked many signs that the relationship was not all rainbows and glitter like I thought it was.
I consider myself to have a pretty strong sense of identity and independence – which is why, looking back now, it surprises me how much I let this go when we were together. Ex works long hours and some weekends at his job, so without realizing it, I became available to him at all times. For example, before we started dating, I got into the best shape of my life. However, spending time with ex (who is 30 years old and has never been to a gym by the way) definitely became a bigger priority than my own health. Along the same lines, another huge problem in the relationship (for me) was his eating and exercise habits. Like I said – ex is extremely handsome, but he is one of those lucky people that don’t need to work for it. He can eat whatever he wants and sit around on the couch for hours without gaining a pound. I am not one of these people. And he definitely takes advantage of that. His diet was absolutely horrible and mainly consisted of sandwiches, pizza, soda, and sweets. He eats out every single meal. And exercise? Never happened. My gym was a 5 minute walk from his apartment and he refused to ever go with me. Even getting him to go for a walk with me was like pulling teeth. For Christmas, he bought me a bike, which was something I really wanted. I was able to convince him to go for a bike ride with me once. I asked him numerous times if we could cook together and exercise, but it never happened, because it was not a priority for him. As a result, I gained weight, was unhappy, and resented him.
Another thing I cannot believe I put up with? My ex rarely told me that he loved me. I realized that I loved him very early on in the relationship. Being the little old fashioned girl that I am, I refused to say it first. When he hadn’t said it 9 months into the relationship, I was getting extremely antsy, and it was really starting to wear on me. He finally said it, which obviously felt great! True, he was wasted when he said it, but that really didn’t take away anything from the moment from me.
However, this elated feeling was short-lived. Ex never really told me he loved me much after that. I expressed to him how much it bothered me, but nothing changed. I convinced myself that he just wasn’t the kind of person that likes to say that and I shouldn’t expect to hear it that much. But I just couldn’t get over not hearing it on the celebratory days – my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, NYE, our 1 year anniversary… On our 1 year anniversary, I laid in bed with him and cried because he hadn’t said it to me. I woke him up and told him (again) how much it bothered me that he hadn’t told me that he loved me on such a special occasion. He promised to do better. Did he? No. The resentment kept building.
Thinking about all this makes my brain hurt. It’s really hard to think about how glaring obvious it is now that I wasn’t happy and how I should have moved on much earlier.